Why We broke up and made up

“Until men and women have an open, honest and real conversation about who they are, what they want and what demons they are fighting, they will never truly understand each other”—Anon

We met through my friend who is his cousin. It was a surreal moment because imagine dating as a young mom. It felt like finally I have found the biggest break in life (let us not make it seem like relationships are not amazing things done with the right person, we all long for that, and we cannot help but feel attracted to people). Once I find a guy that I am attracted to, I do not even waste time, I go for him and that is exactly what I did.

Our relationship took off and it felt amazing. Although the distance between us was taking a toll on us, we made it work regardless. He would come to the city since I was renting somewhere around. However there were lil cracks made in our relationship because we never sat down and had open and real conversations. Out of the blue, we started fighting, not understanding each other’s love languages. Even the smallest thing would spark the hugest argument and we had found ourselves sleeping without a good night text or phone calls.

We broke up because we didn’t understand each other. We were trying so hard to mold each other into these ideologies what a perfect partner is. We fought because I wasn’t listening to him. We fought because he wasn’t listening to me. I remember telling him before we dated that I want to get married, so when I brought up the topic in our relationship, he put up a resistance and I went crazy. I lost my mind, I thought maybe he is here to waste my time, OMG!

He is a reserved man who really loves keeping to himself, I on the other hand am a loud outgoing woman. I didn’t know how to love and accept that he keeps to himself. He has the same expression for everything, even when he is happy, shame he would be having a straight face, I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT!!! I would talk to him, and he would take his time to respond, me being me, I just didn’t understand why he would do that. Bongani also didn’t understand this loud mouth girl. He would try keep me quiet and tell me no, I’d throw a tantrum.

We got so tired of the constant fighting and we finally broke up!

For a good year we were apart!

Then one day, I texted him “baby if you are ready to make this work, come home”. Its as if he was waiting outside the door for the dragon to calm down. For the first time in my 27 years in this world, I found myself sitting across the table with a man I truly love and wanted to build a future with. We had an open relationship. We talked, laughed, cried and sat in silence together, for the first time since our relationship started in 2016.

We each had skeletons in our individual closets that we weren’t ready to speak of, but that day felt different. We opened the closet doors so wide and we each emptied them. The demons we were battling with were put on the table. It was at that very moment that I loved this man standing across me naked. We took away the clothes, the curtains, anything that covered any imperfections we each had and we started on a clean slate.

We were ready to love each other flaws and all. For the first time it actually did feel like we are suited for each other. We are tailor-made for each other and we actually started to see that by accepting each other. A noisy cheerful woman, made for a quiet reserved man. Kissing him today feels amazing. I guess we needed the break away from each other to actually appreciate the love we have for each other. The time apart was a form of reflection and growth. A time of self introspection. A time of self appreciation.

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”

― Lisa Kleypas

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