Securities

We all have self-doubt. You don’t deny it, but you also don’t capitulate to it. You embrace it. – Kobe Bryant

“I’m a combination between extreme insecurity and extreme confidence.” This is how I describe my personality to all those who ask me to tell them about myself. I have self-doubt. I have a fear of failure so bad that when I have to do something, I sometimes avoid it. There are days when I show up at work and I just want to chill. I wouldn’t want to adult or anything because wow I am feeling hopeless.

“The creative people I admire seem to share many characteristics: A fierce restlessness. Healthy cynicism. A real world perspective. An ability to simplify. Restraint. Patience. A genuine balance of confidence and insecurity. And most importantly, humanity.” David Droga. I believe that I am human going through my phases of I do not want to adult today because I feel inadequate.

I have come to accept that I am insecure. Insecure about my looks, insecure about my appearance, insecure about my educational background, insecure about my dark lil secrets. I have however stopped allowing my insecurities to get in the way of my happiness. I have confidently embraced myself as I
am, flaws and all. I believe I have my moments of insecurities and figuring out what I am doing, how I am supposed to do it and when, but if I don’t ask these questions I wouldn’t know how far I have pushed myself.

I fortunately have a positive attitude towards life and I believe it brings out the best. My anxiety, my insecurities and my fears need to know that as much as they sometimes cloud my mind, my tomorrow is promised and will be beautiful. I am really confident and fierce. However these aren’t traits I had naturally, these I picked and learnt to perfect over the years as I was growing older. I use my confidence to mask my insecurities and my doubts because I don’t want people knowing the real me.

What comforts me after all these feelings is what Debbie Ford once mentioned “An exciting and inspiring future awaits you beyond the noise in your mind, beyond the guilt, doubt, fear, shame, insecurity and heaviness of the past you carry around.”

I know I will be fine.

I am a mother, a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a brown skinned Dreadlocked sister